Afterall, the only thing that seems to be able to get me out of neutral is the pressing fear of letting people down. Sometimes I feel if that were ever not to be the case I would just shut down in so far as the little I am doing all seems to be for the other people. I dunno, maybe that in itself is a selfish thought making the whole argument in itself, futile.

All in all I really don't care anymore. I'd like to find something that I want to do for myself but it just doesn't seem to be happening. I'd like to get my life going again but I have no direction to head in.

People tell me not to leave things to the last minute. That the quality of my work would improve with more thinking time. Thinking time is not something that plays at all to my advantage. So I leave it, I let it get to the point of desperation, despite my better judgement because that sense of panic, that stress...it helps me feel something again, gives me something to work at, helps me forget.

Helps me remember.

Artwork incoming by the way, hopefully by next week. Will be nice to finally get this account started up ^^